and you're only gonna solve this for one day...


I don't know what to do.
(because I think about him far more than I want to.)
I relive moments in my head and I hate myself for it.
(and I wonder "what if..." and "maybe..." far more than I used to.)
I get this dizzy feeling in my stomach waiting for an answer
(but I can't help but smile when I get one.)

I don't know what's going on anymore.
I want someone to tell me they love me and mean it in the right way.
I want this all to stop or all to keep going.

Either one.
But only one.


It can't be both anymore.




♥ samantha

"Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours, on and
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend girlfriend."



♥samantha

"Please tell me what to do."
"You're asking me?"
"Yes. I trust you."
"Oh."
"Tell me what you think I should do."
"Well, my opinion is pick me, but I can't make your choice for you."
"I like your opinion."





♥ samantha

So I'm thinking that all my friends bonded together and had a baby that became my roommate. She kind of looks like Caitlin and Lindsey, is countryish like Katie (not a bad thing, trust me), loves to read like Lynsey.

It's really kind of freaking me out. She seems cool and all, but she reminds me WAY to much of you guys, it's WEIRD!



♥ samantha

I've been putting this off more and more because I know once I start writing, I'll start crying. But it's Graduation Day (is that capitalized?) and I figured - hey, it's now or never, right? I have something to say to all of you who have made a difference in my life :)

Caitlin:

Where do I even start with you? Okay, you are just amazing. We've been friends since 6th grade, and I think I know every single detail about your life, even the ones I'd be better off not knowing, haha. You've been there for me for seven years, through anything and everything. We've had our rough spots, yeah, but I still consider you my best friend. (I would never disown you!) I have so many wonderfully hilarious memories of you (those 6th graders at the Racers at Kings Island, changing in a streetlight, teenchat.com, nine inches long, late night sleepovers at your house, 6th grade gym class dances, "who's outside at this hour!?", I could go on for a while!) and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I honestly think that I wouldn't be who I am today without you. Sappy, yes, but it's true. I love you so much, I don't know what I'd do without you... and I don't know what else to say :)

Chasiti:

I remember in Mr. Casey's class freshman year, you doodling ALL over my arm in gel pen. That one day you asked for Patrick's middle name, so you could write it in a heart on my arm? We go way back to the beginning of high school, when we were both complete geeks - oh, wait, we still are! I also remember sleeping over at your house after every school dance, and being your date so we could get in for $1 cheaper. We've had so many good times, like when we used to go to Kroger every night like stalkers, when we took pictures in the aisles like models, dressing up to see Pirates. You're just an amazingly funny girl, and I can't imagine my life without your wonderful-ness in it. Love you, sexy :)

Lindsey:

Hey, did you know we're related? Yeah, we totally are! I've known you for a while, but we've only been close for these past two years. What a great two years it's been. From Mrs. Sell's math classes to random moments at Chakeres, we've been through a lot together. Working with you is a blast, I probably couldn't stand that place sometimes if you weren't sticking it out with me. You're there for me whenever I need you, and I'm there for you whenever you need me, no matter what the problem is. Boys, family, friends, drama, we've been through it all and look - we made it! I'll be seeing a lot of you this summer, so this should be fun, right? You're my favorite cousin, I love you to pieces, and I'm going to miss you when you leave me and go away to California :)

Lynsey:

My eighteen year old mother! I remember sitting on the picnic table last year about this time, me and you and Chasiti, talking about our lives, talking about things like this... did you ever imagine we'd make it? Gosh, I can't imagine high school without you. You've been a mother to me (and it's not a bad thing, trust me) and I love you for it. Musicals (you can sing, darling, don't doubt yourself!) and cast parties (the details of which stay private) and countless trips to La Fiesta (margarita? *flash* tequila? *flash*) and flirting with the Office Depot guy (I like iTunes, long walks on the beach naked...) and helping me keep myself covered up (TITS!)... I love you so freakin' much. You're an amazingly talented person, call me when you're famous, love!

Katie:

Oh boy, do we have stories. Granted, most of them can't go on myspace, but still. You are absolutely hilarious and I want to thank you for bringing your humor and love of life into my own life. With that, you have helped me finish coming out of my shell. You have changed me so much, and given me some of the best advice that I've ever gotten. Neither one of us are good with goodbyes, and I know you don't want to cry (although I'm crying as I write this) but I just wanted to let you know: You are an amazing friend, I don't know what I'd do wihtout you, and I love you. Now, quit reproducing in there! (Not you and Logan, those lemons :P)



All of you have made me who I am today, whether you know that or not. I don't know what I'd have done this year without you guys to help me through it, and I can only hope I've been as good a friend to you as you all have been to me. I love you guys so much, you're a big part of my life, and I can't imagine life without you. I don't know what I'm going to do next year without my girls. Kind of cliche of me, but promise that we'll always be friends? We know far to much about each other to stop now :)

I love you girls, remember that. I'm always here for you, no matter what, I promise. Okay! I need to stop writing, clean up the tears, and get ready for Project Grad ;)





♥ samantha

You really like me, I really like you. We have that covered. Now, please, make up your mind. It's me or her, buddy, and as much as I like you, you can't have us both. You tell me you don't want to hurt her but truth is, the longer that you drag this out, the worse you're going to hurt one of the two. I'd been hurt one too many times, I let my guard down, and I found you. So please. Just get the hurting part over with, or just shut up and kiss me.



♥ samantha

I am really and truly happy, and it took until the last day of school for me to achieve that. The fact that it was my last day of high school hasn't sunk in yet, it seems like another day for me and it will for a while, probably until my first day of college. But today was just all around amazing and I finally felt like I... oh, I dunno... like I finally knew how everything was supposed to be. Sounds cheesy, yeah. But it's true.

Wow.

Wow wow wow wow WOW.

This whole "college freshman" thing is starting out to be fantastic.

Everything is falling into place for me.

... and for once, I actually mean everything :)






♥ samantha

"Hey, how come you're the only date who hasn't told his date how pretty she looks, hmm?"

"You don't look pretty."

"What?"

"You don't look pretty, you look beautiful."






♥ samantha

So he liked someone else the entire time.

He used me to get over her. I was a back-up. I was a rebound in case things didn't work out.

He was a jerk.

Yet I call him out on it, tell him straight up what he did to me, and answers by blocking me.

I wanted to be the one to block him. I wanted to be the one with the power. I was the one who was hurt, and he acts like I did something terrible by speaking my mind, something "very unlike" me.

Newsflash, okay? I'm allowed to speak my mind. You, my friend, are the one who is wrong in this situation.

But if you'd like to be immature and not have a civil conversation about how YOU HURT ME AND USED ME, then fine. Just ignore me. Because I'm better off without you anyway.






Why does this always happen to me?

♥ samantha

So AFTER I figure out that your roommate is an amazing, funny, Christian guy, and AFTER I start to fall for him, YOU decide that YOU want to apologize and take me out again?

Oh, what tangled webs we weave.



♥ samantha

The two guys I went out with last, dead cat boy (Micheal) and Wes both were jerks to me. Micheal made a lame excuse to ditch me, and Wes lied about the whole "I'll call you" thing. This kind of did a number on my self esteem, which I don't have much of to begin with.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that I should not go on alone dates because I apparently make a fool of myself or am not fun or something of the sort. This was Tuesday night. The day after that, Micheal told Chris (my manager and the guy who set me up with Micheal) that he felt bad for lying to me, and he was sorry, BUT he didn't tell me to my face, or to me in general. Then last night Becky told me that Wes felt bad for hurting my feelings, but once again, not to my face.

Add in the drama that's been going on with my prom date for the past month, and all the happiness coming out of talking with Andrew, and that's why I'm really, really confused right now. I don't know if I'm my own problem when it comes to dating, or if the guys I date are just really immature (Micheal) or unsure (Wes). Is it me, or is it them? Because if I knew, life would be so much easier right now.

If that makes any sense at all.






♥ samantha

yeah, I'm pretty much in love with this thing.

never would I have imagined myself in black and white, though.

but my god, it's gorgeous.













♥ samantha

"You could find that today turns out to be one of those non- descript, ineffectual days, where nothing is really achieved. A couple of minor influences are the main culprits of this mood. Don’t try to set impossibly high expectations; you’ll only end up feeling frustrated!"

That was yesterday's horoscope.

Let's see... slow day at work, did nothing, heat box, plans cancelled (frustrated), so that makes my horoscope right once again.

I dunno about you guys, my horoscope is always right on, it's scary.



♥ samantha

Okay, let's see... spring break...


- I'm stuck in Frankfort in the little 90 degree theatre.
- No, they won't turn the air on.
- Anything Goes is over, and I'm back at work.
- I quite despise my job. I love who I work with, but I strongly dislike who owns the place.
- I seriously miss dressing room insanity and public nudity.
- My prom dress is on it's way home!
- I got my ear cartilige pierced. It was okay the first day, but now it hurts. It's still cute, though, I like it.
- I'm thinking of auditioning for the Bluegrass Theatre play this summer, but I dunno. Should I?
- I have a tiara and a clutch. All I need now is shoes for prom.
- I'm having second thoughts about Spencer. I just have this feeling that he's going to ditch me at the last minute and I'll be dateless.
- I spent an hour and a half on the phone with Andrew last night.
- I think I like Andrew. And it feels like I shouldn't, but at the same time... how can I not?


That's it, yeah. I'm going to get dressed for work, yay for over-heating.



♥ samantha

Opening night was awesome.

Here's hoping tonight will be just as rad.



♥ samantha

YOU STUPID, STUPID WOMAN!

I CANNOT HIT YOU WHILE SITTING STILL.

I WAS NOT IN REVERSE, I WAS STOPPED.

YOU HIT ME.

NOW, please, GROW A PAIR AND OWN UP TO WHAT YOU DID!

I'm not paying for it, I didn't cause it. Don't yell at my mom and dad about how "distraught" (VOCAB WORDS, LADY, I KNOW MORE THAN YOU AND I'M, as you say, A TEENAGER!) I was and how I hit you. I didn't. You backed into me and you best own up to it before I go get my cop friends. Because I have cop friends.







Sorry, I'm just really really PO-ed and I had to get that out.


♥ samantha

My head-bump-thingy (scientific name: cyst) is officially gone.

And now my stitches - my big, black, obvious-looking, painful stitches - are in for another week,

Okay, pretty sure I wanted the thing removed so there would NOT be something large and obnoxious and painful on my head.

Oh, well. Just be wearing my hair down for the next week. I freaked my sister out when I showed her my scar ; )


♥ samantha

My horoscopes have been right on for the past two weeks.

I'm kind of freaked out, I'm not gonna lie. But maybe this means that what I think is happening really isn't after all... hmm...




♥ samantha

I wish I knew what kind of rules guys go by. Andrew said you don't call the day after the first date. He hasn't talked to me since Saturday. I mean, we went from talking constantly to not talking at all. So are you supposed to ignore the girl until SHE calls YOU?

I don't even know anymore. I finally think I have a chance with someone, maybe something would go my way in the relationships area for once, and it turns out like this - again.

I just wish I knew what was going on, just so I can undo whatever I've started in my own mind. I would say I want to get over it, but that would imply there was something to get over in the first place.

I don't know. I really don't. I'm so confused right now. I hate men.


♥ samantha

Unexpected, understatement of the year
That's for sure
Who'd of thought that I'd be standing
At your door
It's just the way you say my name that throws me
All the windows of my past are closing
Everything that you see here

Is for you from me
I give it away so easily
Never stop to look at what's behind
For you from me

Everything we want will be holding us
Together tonight, tonight
Unexpected, I'm not use to catching dreams and catching them
All of a sudden I'm the winner in the end
I'm used to every door I open closing
Always making sure I'm not supposing
I can't believe I'm really here

For you from me
I give it away so easily
Never stop to look at what's behind
For you from me

Everything we want will be holding us
Together, tonight
We will never fall
We'll defy the laws of this world
With new ones of our own
That's the way I feel
Stupid but for real all that I am

Is for you from me
I give it away so easily
Never stop to look at what's behind
For you from me
Everything we want will be holding us
Together tonight, tonight






♥ samantha